A Tripos Walk to Remember

just read an email from my cells supervisor congratulating us for making it through NST 1A and the tripos. to me, that was certainly a feat worth congratulating.

the exam itself lasted just one week, but the prep and associated tension was much more long-drawn, beginning as early as the start of easter holidays, a whole three months before the start of any paper. the battle stretched every bit of me to the limits. it wasn’t only the sheer weight of material that needed to be understood and remembered that I was fighting against, but also the alliance of physical discomfort from growing wisdom teeth (such a coincidence that in times when I had to learn the most knowledge that I had to show some signs of growing wiser as well), the loneliness of insomnia, wild fluctuations of self confidence, and increasing home-sickness.

it was during the sleepless hours that I felt the most helpless. the exhausted but stubborn mind wandered restlessly into the fears for tomorrow- the fear of not being able to perform due to lack of sleep, the fear of falling ill, the fear of worsening eyesight from insufficient rest, the fear of brain dead when thinking and analyzing are the most important tasks of all, the fear of … these fears, because they will only lead to more sleeplessness.

on the sunday before the chemistry paper, I felt as if I was on the brink of breaking down. I was drained mentally and emotionally, and was reeling from bouts of stress-induced gastric attacks at one of my study haunts. I thought of letting go, of giving up. I left the place early, and went around taking pictures instead.

people I talked to after the exams thought their experience for it was of the norm; it seemed like only I found it to be excruciatingly challenging. that’s why I wanted to write it down somehow -though I have procrastinated till today, for I want to be reminded of the great mercies that the Lord had shown me. perhaps the exam was a trial to test the intimacy of my walk with the Lord, and a vivid reminder of the frailty of man.

‘Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.’ James 4:13-14

why, I can’t even control my own sleep! what security can tried and tested exam prep methods bring?!

i am just thankful that I pulled through. the satisfactory results were a bonus. two more tripos to face in the coming. Lord, if you will, take this cup of suffering from me.