We All Love Him

his headmistress loves him; she backed him up with the school recommendation letter for the admission exercise.

the new school admission team loves him; they offered him a place and a scholarship immediately after they spoke to him.

the family loves him; they see great talent in him, an unpolished gem finally in the hands of masters in the art of education.

I love him; I see the doors of opportunities flung open for him. I see great teachers waiting to groom and nurture him. I see life-changing experiences, stimulating and enlightening exposures, all helping him to transform potential into ability.

but

I love him; I wish he could be spared from the loneliness of relocation.

I love him; I wish he could be pampered with the comforts of home a few years longer.

I love him; I wish there could still be someone who wakes him up for school every morning, who spreads his toasts for him for breakfast, who reminds him to take his shower before it is too late, who hounds him to practice his piano. at least for a little longer.

I love him. it pains me that he may have to go through the occasional dark periods of solitude at such a tender age. it’s true that I have been through the same and emerged alright, but it was not without a tough fight.

can he win the fight? will he draw upon the strength of the Lord, the One who has been faithful to me throughout my own battle? will he be as fortunate to meet sincere and loving friends? will he be able to resist the temptations and avoid the paths of misguided souls?

it is because I love him, I want the best for him. I know not what is best; but I know the leap of faith is now the test.

we all love him, we really do.

that was him during his first visit to the place; it is now going to be his second ‘home’ for the next six years.

A Tripos Walk to Remember

just read an email from my cells supervisor congratulating us for making it through NST 1A and the tripos. to me, that was certainly a feat worth congratulating.

the exam itself lasted just one week, but the prep and associated tension was much more long-drawn, beginning as early as the start of easter holidays, a whole three months before the start of any paper. the battle stretched every bit of me to the limits. it wasn’t only the sheer weight of material that needed to be understood and remembered that I was fighting against, but also the alliance of physical discomfort from growing wisdom teeth (such a coincidence that in times when I had to learn the most knowledge that I had to show some signs of growing wiser as well), the loneliness of insomnia, wild fluctuations of self confidence, and increasing home-sickness.

it was during the sleepless hours that I felt the most helpless. the exhausted but stubborn mind wandered restlessly into the fears for tomorrow- the fear of not being able to perform due to lack of sleep, the fear of falling ill, the fear of worsening eyesight from insufficient rest, the fear of brain dead when thinking and analyzing are the most important tasks of all, the fear of … these fears, because they will only lead to more sleeplessness.

on the sunday before the chemistry paper, I felt as if I was on the brink of breaking down. I was drained mentally and emotionally, and was reeling from bouts of stress-induced gastric attacks at one of my study haunts. I thought of letting go, of giving up. I left the place early, and went around taking pictures instead.

people I talked to after the exams thought their experience for it was of the norm; it seemed like only I found it to be excruciatingly challenging. that’s why I wanted to write it down somehow -though I have procrastinated till today, for I want to be reminded of the great mercies that the Lord had shown me. perhaps the exam was a trial to test the intimacy of my walk with the Lord, and a vivid reminder of the frailty of man.

‘Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.’ James 4:13-14

why, I can’t even control my own sleep! what security can tried and tested exam prep methods bring?!

i am just thankful that I pulled through. the satisfactory results were a bonus. two more tripos to face in the coming. Lord, if you will, take this cup of suffering from me.