Change

today I started work proper. yesterday was the official starting date, as stated in the employment contract ( I am now an employee, no longer student), but it is only today I went into the lab proper to set up my bench and to prepare materials.

it has been a week in Singapore already. people asked if I have settled down, I always said I am ok. but I think the truth is that I am not really comfortable with this environment yet, and it is probably the source of the stress I am feeling.

this relocation to spore feels like when I first arrived in the uk 3 years ago, and when I first came to spore in 2002. although I have stayed ( don’t think ‘lived’ is appropriate) here for 4 years, I have never settled down-- never thought I would be here for the long term, so I didn’t bother. therefore, my impression of spore is at best hazy. this discomfort outside the comfort zone is making me miss everything I knew even more, even things that I used to complain so much about. it was like how, for a little while, I missed staying in basing 15 when I first moved to benson g3. now it is missing having sandwiches for lunch. or the (superficial) courtesy that asks ‘how are you’. and even…studying for tripos ( I agree with agnes), just because that was a predictable way of life. and familiar.

I am really glad that jinyang, ryan, weishen came over to spore, and together with jiechao and cheehui we met up here in spore. at least that is one element that is familiar and it is like in camb again when we met up for dinner and talked about random things. it is a good get-away from living/ working with new people.

perhaps the change from student to working adult contribute to the uneasiness too. no more school holidays scheduled by the authorities way in advance; instead, will have to plan when to take leave to not compromise on work. no more taking cover from mistakes because being the underdog in the team, or blaming sheer ignorance or inexperience. very soon I’ll have CPF and will be paying income tax. I will technically be financially independent, which means I should forego the safety net of having dad pay for my expenses when I run out of money. and maybe I should start thinking about investments and buying insurance.

a friend said he felt growing up is like the world has changed but he hasn’t. I agree in some ways, just as I haven’t felt any more mature in appearance or my dress sense; a soon-to-be NUS first year student mistaken me for a fellow fresher. but like what mabel rightly pointed out long ago, you’ll soon realised that you no longer act or think like how you did a few years ago. and indeed in my conversation with the girl, I realised that I spoke to her like a senior would do to a junior, unconsciously. so yes, we all have grown in some ways over the years, although the change in appearance could be just be subtle, like looking less blur in certain circumstances. like how harry and ron stood in the corridor watching the first years got lost on their way to classes at hogsworts.

change. growing up. a new phase in life.




I wonder what I’ll say when, say, when I become a mother.