2009:The Phase Problem

that was the original title that i had in mind for this pre-lent term post. it was inspired by the question 'do you have any new year restolutions?'. i thought new year doesn't seem that significant anymore when a new academic year doesn't start with it, so i said no. clearly a student's perspective. i thought i might dreamed up some new aspirations two weeks into 2009, when the beginning of term looms closer. but it is 'no' as well.

as it is, this post is going to be a collection of random thoughts prior to the start of term.



i thought about what i actually think of living in benson court in the middle of holidays, when my room was one of the three that was lit. the lutyens was completely deserted. it was cold and occasionally foggy. it was winter so daylight was from 8 to 3.30. it was a mixed feeling. melancholy, but beautiful melancholy.

then people started moving back. a lot more chattering below my window, fewer bike spaces at the bike park, and a lot more emails in the hermes account. i thought about how i feel about people coming back, about how i feel like losing camb that i had to myself for a while to all the other students who are back...

i was stressed in the holidays because i knew i had work to catch up with but i was doing an insufficient portion of it; i blamed it on the ennui caused by lack of human contact. i am stressed now that term is starting, and i blame it on seeing my coursemates who are back, with whom i associate the term time workload. and i know i will be stressed during term itself because of the workload itself, the deadlines, the lack of rest. gah, camb is stressful, but beautifully so, because after both the tripos i have had i could look back and be amazed by the grace that sustained me through the academic year. there was unexpected providence here and there which made the picture a beautiful mosaic. and maybe like silver being purified in fire?

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i went to the market out of boredom yesterday. i noticed a bread stall, which i have noticed before but never really took notice of. the owner names his bread 'earthcrusts'. i went to sainsbury today out of necessity. i bought a piece of french brie, again. but i took notice of all the other kinds of cheese that i have yet to try and i remembered the bread stall in the market. i think i should aspire to try as many kinds of bread and cheese whilst i am still here. and the selection of soup, and jam, and parma ham to see how it is different from the usual ham, and yoghurt. and maybe go to mark and spencer's more, just to try how good 'good' pasta sauce can be, or how indulgent 'indulgence' coffee can be. after all, their fruit yoghurt was a notch better than others, and pretty memorable too.

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i thought of my recent spending habits. i think i have become less frugal and more spendthrift. i think i must have got over the conversion rate syndrome that affects almost everyone at least in their early days here. for instance, i no longer have qualms having coffee at nero or starbucks, and i no longer just opt for the basic cappuccino, but the limited edition cuppa. there is also less reservation about traveling, or watching a play or musical or show, or buying things that i like (which tend to be the more expensive option).

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what i really hope for for this coming term is to be able to sleep when i want to. restful, good quality sleep. otherwise it will be almost a torment, to be awake but zombified, to watch the clock tick away unproductively. it is here that i learnt that horlicks the malt drink is supposedly helpful for a good night's rest; it was never marketed that way in malaysia or singapore. there was a sleeping aid section in boots, and i discovered that a number of my friends have problems with getting quality sleep, some with conditions more severe than others. so much about humans who can control so much (or so they think) when they can't control their own sleep. this reminds me of a passage that i have written before but will write again:

'now listen, you who say,"today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.'





'what is your life? you are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes'. -James 4:13-14




my time in camb is coming to an end in less than 6 months.
no term has turned out to be as predicted thus far. what do i paint of this term?