My Head is Muddled

i had my second lab meeting since i started work here today. it lasted from 11am to 6pm, including a one-hour lunch break. it wasn't longer than the first meeting in london 3 weeks ago, but after the meeting today my head was so muddled that i didn't know what to do and i ended up in borders flipping through fashion magazines for an hour; i intended to read travel guides.

my head was muddled mainly because i don't understand the presentations. then i was puzzled by how the rest of the lab could keep up with the presenters and grill them with questions/ offer them suggestions as the day stretched into the evening. then it was a phase of depression as my colleagues mull over the streak of expt failures that the lab was experiencing.

my lab hasn't been able to clone anything lately, and cloning is supposed to be the most basic of biochem expts. they found the first problem; it was the water that the lab was using. but the problem persisted, despite them switching to an ultra expensive kit that costs GBP600 for 20 reactions. imagine the frustration of 3 post-docs and one phd student trying to clone something that is supposedly not complicated at all. imagine the puzzlement when more complicated expts are working fine.

on the other hand, i am in awe of the knowledge of some of the people at the meeting. the five presentations we had today were on different topics and involved different techniques, but the two young PIs (only in their early thirties at most) at the meeting seem to know so much that they were able to offer suggestions and advice on all of them. i wonder if i could be a PI one day. if i could, at what age. in the uk, you are given a maximum of 6 years of post-doc position to prove yourself worthy of a PI position. otherwise, you will have to think of an alternative career.

i think i am not imaginative enough to be a good scientist, yet. i think i lack the innovation. i need to daydream crazy ideas, find ways to test them, and bang my way through the blips along the way to persevere to the end.

but first, i need to sort out the muddle in my head. i need to stop being so easily muddled.

the lab at picnic during lunch

colleague 1: are you going to the lab? can you get me some ethanol? 96% ethanol, 400ml.
colleague 2: ok...i thought we are going for lunch?
colleague 1: ya. i am going to barbecue the chorizo i brought.

sometimes i wonder if i really want to be a PI